I never thought that her anger could affect me so much. My mom is mad at me, for whatever reason, and she has been for a week now. It started last weekend, when I was supposed to wash the dishes. My dad started washing the dishes because he didn’t know that I was supposed to, and I didn’t stop him. I hate washing the dishes and if someone else wants to do it, that’s fine by me. My mom came down and was furious that I hadn’t stopped my dad and done the dishes myself. She started yelling at me, that I was a college student, that I should know better, that I shouldn’t let my dad do the chores. This sexist attitude of hers riles me up every time so I was pissed off because of it. I told her that my dad was almost done with the dishes anyways so there was no point in stopping him. That really made her mad. She began yelling even more about how I don’t do anything in this house and I act like everyone is my slave. Of course, that’s not the case. I may not do much in the house, but I do whatever she tells me to. And I certainly don’t treat anyone like my slave. Anyways, I stopped my dad, and finished up the dishes. I was really pissed at this point because she had been yelling that I should spontaneously clean the house but I don’t. That I should at least clean the stairs every weekend I come home but I don’t. I’m sorry that I wasn’t aware of this chore that I was never even told about. If she had told me to do it, I would have. That combined with that sexist attitude really had me boiling. I stomped upstairs and declared I wasn’t hungry for dinner. My mom forced me to sit and eat because she wanted us all to eat together. When she called my dad, he said he’d already eaten and didn’t join us. That really seemed to piss off my mom. At the table, as we’re eating, my mom starts to cry. I hate seeing her cry because it makes me want to cry. It wasn’t my fault that she cried but I still felt a little bad. To be honest, she’s been crying more and more lately and she doesn’t try to hide it in front of the kids anymore. I don’t know what it is. Anyways, after that, she ignored me for the next few days. She was at work during the day so we didn’t have to interact for most of the day but in the evenings, she ignored me. After about two days, she was ok but she doesn’t talk to me. She doesn’t tell me what to do. She hasn’t asked me to pray and when my turn to wash the dishes came around again, she indirectly asked no one in specific whose turn it was and my sister said it was mine. She didn’t even tell me to pick up the kids on Friday until I asked if I supposed to. I’ve already gotten over my anger, I was over it the morning after the incident. I get over things really fast. And she should have gotten over it too. But she hasn’t. I usually extend peace offerings if I’m mad at someone younger than me but she’s older and she’s my mom. And the fact that she’s still mad at me makes me want to cry. It has made cry. I feel like she doesn’t care about me anymore  and I want to do something really bad to get her attention, to see if she’ll do anything.

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Crush

It has been a long time since I’ve crushed on someone. Like a very long time. But there’s this guy I’m currently crushing on. He’s so incredibly sweet, it’s unbelievable. He’s a busy guy but he made some time for me to just check in and because it was a rough time, I really appreciated it. That’s probably when the crushing started. Anyways, never met him in person but we skype all the time. He has a great sense of humor. We came together as part of an organization and we’ve been working together for about a month now. He’s a bit older but not sure by how much. Also, I can’t tell if he’s nice in general or just being ultra-nice to me. He messaged me wishing me luck on my exam, which I was surprised he remembered. Anyways, I’ve messaged him about 4 times over the space of a week about things relating to the organization work but he hasn’t replied to any. I don’t know why because that was our main form of communication so it’s not like he doesn’t use the chat. We skyped in between but I didn’t mention the chat and neither did he. I suspect something is going on but I don’t know what. The last two times we skyped with the whole crew, he hung around and we were the last two on the call. I stay on because I have to copy the side chat for the meeting minutes. But he doesn’t have to. So I suspect it’s because he just wants to chill but I don’t know. For now, keeping it to myself as always. If you haven’t noticed, I’m incredibly shy and until I am 100% the other person likes me back, I won’t say anything about my feelings to anyone. (which has never happened by the way) Anyways, just had to get it off my chest.

Cry

I had a good cry last night. I don’t even know why I was crying. Let me tell you what happened yesterday….

I went to work and came back home. As I was eating dinner at the table with my dad (mom and sister were warming up their food), my mother yelled at me for not putting the yogurt on the table. She had not told me to do so, nor had she told me to set the table or anything. She just started yelling at me that I should’ve put it on the table, that she shouldn’t have to tell me what to do and what not to do anymore, that I’m not two years old anymore, that I don’t do “anything” in the house. Completely uncalled for in my opinion. It’s not like she was irritated with me or anything. She just started yelling at me.

Later that evening, I was in my room watching a movie and my younger sister came in (age 13). I was slightly irritated because I wanted to finish my movie but I didn’t say anything and I tried to welcome her. She’s been complaining that I never let her sit in my room and I never talk to her. So, I’m trying to change that. So I put my movie down and listened to her story. Then I asked her if she had prayed Isha (it was 10:45 pm). She replied “Possssssibbllllyyy………….maybe……..” She claims that she said, “Possibllyyyy….not.” But that is most certainly not what I heard. But that is besides the point. I asked her if it was possible for a human to have possibly prayed. You either pray or you don’t. There is no in between. I said all of this in a calm voice, and not accusing at all. She replied that it was if you had amnesia or something. I asked her if she truly, in her heart, believed that this was true, that you could “possibly” pray. She replied that she did. After she argued with me for about 5 minutes, she finally stated that she was joking/being sarcastic when she said that. I told her if that was the case, then why did she argue with me for 5 minutes that it was possible for someone to have “possibly” prayed. She argued with me about that for 5 minutes more, claiming that everyone always picks on her and I should’ve known she was joking. I didn’t. I told that I cannot tell anymore when she is joking/being sarcastic/lying/actually telling the truth. She lies way too often for me to be able to decipher what she is doing. I told her that. She asked me to give her an example of when she lied. I told her how earlier this evening, Ammi said she saw my sister with her math book in her lap, watching TV (she was supposed to be doing math homework). My sister yelled at Ammi that she always throws “accusations” at her that are not true. Ammi yelled back at her if this was not the case, if she was or was not doing what she said. My sister tried to stomp away but Ammi kept yelling at her to answer her question and finally my sister said it was true. When I related this incident to my sister, she started yelling that Ammi always makes generalizations about her, that it was only true about 50% of the time. At that point she was steamrolling over everything I said and the time was 11:05 pm. 15 minutes of arguing with this child. I was so tired. So incredibly tired of her constant arguing, her complaints, her yelling, her lying, her.  I started tearing up and I asked her to leave. She did. And that’s when I started crying. I don’t know if it was from arguing with her, or if it was my sadness for my younger sister, who spends her days watching TV and eating, never believing herself to be wrong, and having to argue at every SINGLE thing possible. Maybe I shouldn’t have picked that argument last night, but I was so fed up with her constant arguing. My vision I currently blurring as I write this.

I don’t even know how to approach her anymore.

Passion vs. Regret

It’s the middle of summer. I have about seven weeks until I go back to school. I can’t say I’m excited. For my chemistry major that I’m not even sure I want, I am signed up to take Calculus III and Physics I. I’m also signed up for Organic Chemistry II but I will probably drop it. Honestly, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. At the beginning of this year, I thought, surely, by the middle of summer, I would know what I wanted. I based this goal off the fact that I would be shadowing a doctor this summer. I have shadowed for approximately 22 hours, at the beginning of summer. I worked with a pulmonologist and a primary care physician.

My very first day, I was absolutely fascinated. The pulmonologist had so much information in his head and I wondered how he could pull diagnosis so quickly once patients stated symptoms. I loved the mystery of it. You were presented with a set of symptoms and you had to diagnose it. The patients all loved the pulmonologist because of his “bedside manner”. I really liked him too because he was a great mentor. But after the first day, I was bored. Since he was a specialty physician, he saw the same cases every day. Everyone either had COPD or sleep apnea. There were a few rare cases that were different but mostly, it was older patients. The number one recommendation I heard come out of his mouth was to quit smoking and to lose weight. I quickly bored of his patients as they were all the same and I couldn’t participate in the daily happenings.

Then, I went to the primary care physician’s office. I hoped, prayed, for something better. She was really sweet, stylish, and a mother of two young kids. She had become a doctor much earlier than was possible in the USA because she had done her studies overseas. Then she got married, and had kids during residency. She loved her job. But she only saw her patients for about 10 minutes each and then she was back to her office, typing away notes, referrals, etc. She was part of a private practice. I only got to spend one day with her but she was really interested in what I was interested in. I told her that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a doctor but that I had wanted to be a pediatrician my whole life. “What changed your mind?” she asked me. I told her I was worried about money, student loans, and the time commitment. I wanted to be able to spend time with my future children and as a working mother, most probably completing my residency, that would just be impossible. “What other careers are you considering?” she replied. I told her how I was interested in public health, hospital management, something in the healthcare field. Maybe dentistry or optometry. She told me to stop beating around the bush. Why not just become a doctor? I clearly wanted a career through which I could make a difference in people’s lives and physicians do it everyday. I still wasn’t sure, I mumbled.

I shadowed one other primary care physician. She had also studied overseas and now owned her own private practice. Her husband owned a practice too, right next door. They had connected buildings. How cute. She was really nice, I met her for the first time on my first day shadowing. I had been referred to her by the two other physicians I shadowed. She went from room to room, listening to patient grievances. Many were overweight and that was the root cause of many of their health issues. Others were diabetic. Majority were both obese and diabetic. In spite of all this, I still enjoyed the mystery aspect of it all. Patients would come in and present a series of symptoms and the physician would have to take a look at past medical history, other symptoms, potential causes of stress/anxiety, and more. I couldn’t believe that primary care physicians were paid so little when their jobs seemed harder than that of specialists. Where specialists only take care of one part of the body, primary care physicians take care of the whole body. But I didn’t really like the patients. They were old and their health problems were their own fault. Smoking, overweight, no physical exercise. Did they expect to be healthy?! What bothered me the most was when patients came in and reported that they had not been following the doctor’s orders from the last visit. They came in there demanding to know why they weren’t better when they hadn’t even been keeping up with their medication.

Eventually, I found a web-design internship at a non-profit organization and that was the end of my shadowing. I’ve been working here for 2.5 weeks now. With that much experience and 22 hours of shadowing, here’s what I’ve learned about myself:

  • Specialty medicine doesn’t quite appeal to me because it quite repetitive. Perhaps it’s the pulmonology/sleep medicine that I don’t like. Or the older patients. Not sure, but I couldn’t see my self doing that everyday.
  • Primary care isn’t my forte either. I think I just don’t like older patients. They are responsible for their current state of health and I cant do anything to help them if they don’t help themselves first. Ideally by losing weight and quitting smoking.
  • Sitting behind a computer with no tangible end is no fun. I went through a phase when I was really interested in computer science. I thought about web design, programming, and maybe computational media. But currently, at this internship, I don’t really enjoy it. Now, that maybe largely due the fact that I haven’t even started on the actual website yet. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am working for a non-profit and that my end outcome will greatly benefit many people.

So there you have it. I think the one thing I have realized is that I want to do social good with my career. But what that career is, I have absolutely no idea. I almost want to cry by how scared I am of the future. I’m scared of falling into a degree that I have to complete because I owe it to my parents/their money. I’m scared of ending up in a 9-5 job that I hate but can’t leave due to overwhelming student loans. I’m scared of dying without having made a change in this world. I’m terrified of regret.

Aside

You know what I hate? When I complain about a test being hard, people, including friends, just say that I can do it because I’m smart and then they move on to tell how much they lack in smartness. When I talk about a good grade I got, I get nasty looks and people just say that that’s what they expected anyways and they act like I’m trying to brag. 

And that’s why I never complain to friends about schoolwork. The only people who will ever see my full-out stress mode over a test/assignment will be my family. And the only people I ever tell my grades to are my parents because, although they put on a lot of pressure for good grades, they understand that I’ve worked my butt off and that good grades don’t just come easy, I work hard for them.

Ranting because these past few days have been hell.

Inappropriate Language

So, I was at Macy’s today, just browsing through clothes ya know. And that song Scream and Shout came on. And ok, I’ll admit, I think it’s catchy. But they didn’t censor it. At all. And Britney curses at least 5 times in that song. And I didn’t even flinch when she cursed. In fact, I did something worse. I sang the lyrics with her and the last word was a curse and it just came out of my mouth. I’ve become so used to hearing and reading bad language that sometimes I curse without even intending to.

And then, after that, another song came on. It was very inappropriate. I believe it is called Talk Dirty. It doesn’t have any curse words but it straight up talks about sex. No hiding it behind strange lyrics. And as I was trying to comprehend some of the lyrics, I ran into my friend and her mother. And it was great seeing them. But talking to her mother while that disgusting song was blasting in my ears was…embarrassing. I didn’t want to be around a mother who has such strong moral values while listening to such degrading music.

I just hate how I’m becoming so desensitized to cursing and inappropriate music.

Dhak Dhak

Do you know a cutie? I mean, like someone that you may or may not like, who is just, in general, a cutie? Yeah, that guy. 

I know one of those.  His clothes, glasses, and of course, such a great personality. What’s not to love? I’m not like, into him, but man he is adorable/handsome. And let me set the record straight for those who are quick to judge: No, I’m not looking to “get” him. No, I’m not “thirsty”/desperate. No, I am in no mood to get married. No, I have not even considered boyfriends. 

But every time I see him, it’s like my voice gets caught in my throat. Today I asked him a question and my voice was so squeaky and shaky that I am almost threw up. I had to repeat myself because he couldn’t hear me. He can’t have that much of an effect on me. And then, when I answered one of his questions correctly, in my squeaky voice, mera dil dhak dhak karne laga. Like really fast. And I was like, WTH. WHY? I’m not even into him like that. He’s a nice guy and cute but no. Just, no. 

Maybe it’s teenage angst? But I don’t want a guy. I don’t want any sort of relationship with any guy. At all. At least not for another 2 years. So, just had to let that off my chest. Because I NEVER tell anyone if I think someone is cute, but I just had to get this one off my chest because it’s annoying the effect he has on me. And hopefully, it’s just something that will pass.