I never thought that her anger could affect me so much. My mom is mad at me, for whatever reason, and she has been for a week now. It started last weekend, when I was supposed to wash the dishes. My dad started washing the dishes because he didn’t know that I was supposed to, and I didn’t stop him. I hate washing the dishes and if someone else wants to do it, that’s fine by me. My mom came down and was furious that I hadn’t stopped my dad and done the dishes myself. She started yelling at me, that I was a college student, that I should know better, that I shouldn’t let my dad do the chores. This sexist attitude of hers riles me up every time so I was pissed off because of it. I told her that my dad was almost done with the dishes anyways so there was no point in stopping him. That really made her mad. She began yelling even more about how I don’t do anything in this house and I act like everyone is my slave. Of course, that’s not the case. I may not do much in the house, but I do whatever she tells me to. And I certainly don’t treat anyone like my slave. Anyways, I stopped my dad, and finished up the dishes. I was really pissed at this point because she had been yelling that I should spontaneously clean the house but I don’t. That I should at least clean the stairs every weekend I come home but I don’t. I’m sorry that I wasn’t aware of this chore that I was never even told about. If she had told me to do it, I would have. That combined with that sexist attitude really had me boiling. I stomped upstairs and declared I wasn’t hungry for dinner. My mom forced me to sit and eat because she wanted us all to eat together. When she called my dad, he said he’d already eaten and didn’t join us. That really seemed to piss off my mom. At the table, as we’re eating, my mom starts to cry. I hate seeing her cry because it makes me want to cry. It wasn’t my fault that she cried but I still felt a little bad. To be honest, she’s been crying more and more lately and she doesn’t try to hide it in front of the kids anymore. I don’t know what it is. Anyways, after that, she ignored me for the next few days. She was at work during the day so we didn’t have to interact for most of the day but in the evenings, she ignored me. After about two days, she was ok but she doesn’t talk to me. She doesn’t tell me what to do. She hasn’t asked me to pray and when my turn to wash the dishes came around again, she indirectly asked no one in specific whose turn it was and my sister said it was mine. She didn’t even tell me to pick up the kids on Friday until I asked if I supposed to. I’ve already gotten over my anger, I was over it the morning after the incident. I get over things really fast. And she should have gotten over it too. But she hasn’t. I usually extend peace offerings if I’m mad at someone younger than me but she’s older and she’s my mom. And the fact that she’s still mad at me makes me want to cry. It has made cry. I feel like she doesn’t care about me anymore and I want to do something really bad to get her attention, to see if she’ll do anything.
It has been a long time since I’ve crushed on someone. Like a very long time. But there’s this guy I’m currently crushing on. He’s so incredibly sweet, it’s unbelievable. He’s a busy guy but he made some time for me to just check in and because it was a rough time, I really appreciated it. That’s probably when the crushing started. Anyways, never met him in person but we skype all the time. He has a great sense of humor. We came together as part of an organization and we’ve been working together for about a month now. He’s a bit older but not sure by how much. Also, I can’t tell if he’s nice in general or just being ultra-nice to me. He messaged me wishing me luck on my exam, which I was surprised he remembered. Anyways, I’ve messaged him about 4 times over the space of a week about things relating to the organization work but he hasn’t replied to any. I don’t know why because that was our main form of communication so it’s not like he doesn’t use the chat. We skyped in between but I didn’t mention the chat and neither did he. I suspect something is going on but I don’t know what. The last two times we skyped with the whole crew, he hung around and we were the last two on the call. I stay on because I have to copy the side chat for the meeting minutes. But he doesn’t have to. So I suspect it’s because he just wants to chill but I don’t know. For now, keeping it to myself as always. If you haven’t noticed, I’m incredibly shy and until I am 100% the other person likes me back, I won’t say anything about my feelings to anyone. (which has never happened by the way) Anyways, just had to get it off my chest.
These past few days have been stressful as hell and I just needed to dump out the contents of my flooded brain. I had tests last Thursday and Friday and then I had one this morning and I have one on Wednesday. I’ve been cooped up in my room or the library for the past week and a half studying, or at least trying to.
I can’t figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. There are literally so many things I could do. And I realize that no one can, or should, tell me what to do. It’s something I need to discover for myself. At the moment, I would love not to work 9-5 and I want to be able to do several things at once. I like being involved in the community. I love organizing events and seeing them come through successfully. I love to be in charge. This may not be the most selfless thing, but I really love praise. I love to hear people tell me I did a good job when I put my time and effort into something that I care about. So, I guess that means I want to create stuff. But what kind of stuff, I’m not quite sure.
I recently went to the ceremony for my Girl Scout Gold Award. When I was working on my project, I hated it and I really didn’t want to do it because I had already been accepted to college and so there was no incentive for me. But I’m really glad I did it. And the ceremony helped me to realize what a big deal take action projects are. We are helping our community. We are fixing problems that we face daily and locally. And that’s something I want to continue to do.
Whenever I meet a new person, I try to figure them out. I listen to how they use their words, how they structure their sentences. I listen to what they say, what is important to them, what they find funny. I watch their body language, how they carry themselves, how they perceive other people or objects around them. I watch their faces, what kinds of expressions they use in different situations. And I’m not a very good judge of character/personality, but I’m working on it.
But people from another culture, another language, another country, they are so difficult to understand right away. And even after a month, when I think I’ve figured them out, they say or do something I completely don’t expect. Even though I understand the denotation of what they’re saying to me, I don’t get the connotation because I haven’t grown up in that culture. I can’t tell why they say something rather than something else. I can’t tell if they think something is genuinely funny or they’re just messing around with me. I can’t tell if they hold themselves the way they do just because that’s the way they are, or because they don’t like me. And that can get frustrating. Especially if you’re related by blood. Even though we look so physically similar, I still don’t know you.