Love

What is love? I’m not sure. But when you told me you loved me, I had a mix of emotions. I was excited to hear you say it because although I had suspected, I had never thought anything would actually come out of it. I was also shocked because I just don’t see anything in myself that makes me lovable. There’s nothing special about me and I wouldn’t say I’m pretty. I’m just average. I was scared too because now you’d put into words what I had suspected for years. By saying it, by writing it out, you confirmed all suspicions. I didn’t know what to say. Was I to express my true feelings too? No, I couldn’t because our families would never approve of marriage and I knew that. I had thought about it a lot before you told me, what our chances were. But I quickly realized that we didn’t have any chance so I dropped my dreams and just enjoyed whatever time I could get with you. But now that you’d expressed what I meant to you, you asked me if I felt the same way. And I lied. I lied to your face and told you no. I acted nonchalant and pretended like it wasn’t a big deal. I pretended that I didn’t care either way and that it really didn’t make a difference in my life at all. And I hated myself for lying. I hate lying and to have to lie about something so big and dear to my heart, it hurt me. But probably not as much as it hurt you. And I’m sorry that I hurt you so much. I’m really sorry. But I just don’t see this going anywhere so it’s best to cut it off now. Before we get too invested. And so this doesn’t come to bite me in the butt years later. Honestly, I don’t myself with you. I suppose you could consider it a fling of sorts even though our entire relationship has consisted of flirting and nothing more. I like to consider you a brother, ideally, even though in my heart I have other feelings. But I try to limit my external expressions to those that are appropriate to a brother. I don’t myself with you because we are two very different people. I value religion, family, and education and you don’t. Those things are very important to me and if they aren’t to you, then I just don’t see how this could ever work. What is it then that brings us together? Why do you even like me? I have no idea. I wish you would tell me but I’m scared to ask because it would probably hurt you more to have to talk about this with me. Why did I like you? I don’t know, it was you, your demeanor, your hilarious attitude towards life. I loved it. I tried to predict your sentence when we texted and I usually got it right. But in all honesty, we don’t know each other. At all. I just needed to get this off my chest. It’s been almost 4 months and I am still thinking about this. I hope that you find happiness and forget about me. And I wish the same on myself. And I am really sorry for hurting you. Honestly.