Passion vs. Regret

It’s the middle of summer. I have about seven weeks until I go back to school. I can’t say I’m excited. For my chemistry major that I’m not even sure I want, I am signed up to take Calculus III and Physics I. I’m also signed up for Organic Chemistry II but I will probably drop it. Honestly, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. At the beginning of this year, I thought, surely, by the middle of summer, I would know what I wanted. I based this goal off the fact that I would be shadowing a doctor this summer. I have shadowed for approximately 22 hours, at the beginning of summer. I worked with a pulmonologist and a primary care physician.

My very first day, I was absolutely fascinated. The pulmonologist had so much information in his head and I wondered how he could pull diagnosis so quickly once patients stated symptoms. I loved the mystery of it. You were presented with a set of symptoms and you had to diagnose it. The patients all loved the pulmonologist because of his “bedside manner”. I really liked him too because he was a great mentor. But after the first day, I was bored. Since he was a specialty physician, he saw the same cases every day. Everyone either had COPD or sleep apnea. There were a few rare cases that were different but mostly, it was older patients. The number one recommendation I heard come out of his mouth was to quit smoking and to lose weight. I quickly bored of his patients as they were all the same and I couldn’t participate in the daily happenings.

Then, I went to the primary care physician’s office. I hoped, prayed, for something better. She was really sweet, stylish, and a mother of two young kids. She had become a doctor much earlier than was possible in the USA because she had done her studies overseas. Then she got married, and had kids during residency. She loved her job. But she only saw her patients for about 10 minutes each and then she was back to her office, typing away notes, referrals, etc. She was part of a private practice. I only got to spend one day with her but she was really interested in what I was interested in. I told her that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a doctor but that I had wanted to be a pediatrician my whole life. “What changed your mind?” she asked me. I told her I was worried about money, student loans, and the time commitment. I wanted to be able to spend time with my future children and as a working mother, most probably completing my residency, that would just be impossible. “What other careers are you considering?” she replied. I told her how I was interested in public health, hospital management, something in the healthcare field. Maybe dentistry or optometry. She told me to stop beating around the bush. Why not just become a doctor? I clearly wanted a career through which I could make a difference in people’s lives and physicians do it everyday. I still wasn’t sure, I mumbled.

I shadowed one other primary care physician. She had also studied overseas and now owned her own private practice. Her husband owned a practice too, right next door. They had connected buildings. How cute. She was really nice, I met her for the first time on my first day shadowing. I had been referred to her by the two other physicians I shadowed. She went from room to room, listening to patient grievances. Many were overweight and that was the root cause of many of their health issues. Others were diabetic. Majority were both obese and diabetic. In spite of all this, I still enjoyed the mystery aspect of it all. Patients would come in and present a series of symptoms and the physician would have to take a look at past medical history, other symptoms, potential causes of stress/anxiety, and more. I couldn’t believe that primary care physicians were paid so little when their jobs seemed harder than that of specialists. Where specialists only take care of one part of the body, primary care physicians take care of the whole body. But I didn’t really like the patients. They were old and their health problems were their own fault. Smoking, overweight, no physical exercise. Did they expect to be healthy?! What bothered me the most was when patients came in and reported that they had not been following the doctor’s orders from the last visit. They came in there demanding to know why they weren’t better when they hadn’t even been keeping up with their medication.

Eventually, I found a web-design internship at a non-profit organization and that was the end of my shadowing. I’ve been working here for 2.5 weeks now. With that much experience and 22 hours of shadowing, here’s what I’ve learned about myself:

  • Specialty medicine doesn’t quite appeal to me because it quite repetitive. Perhaps it’s the pulmonology/sleep medicine that I don’t like. Or the older patients. Not sure, but I couldn’t see my self doing that everyday.
  • Primary care isn’t my forte either. I think I just don’t like older patients. They are responsible for their current state of health and I cant do anything to help them if they don’t help themselves first. Ideally by losing weight and quitting smoking.
  • Sitting behind a computer with no tangible end is no fun. I went through a phase when I was really interested in computer science. I thought about web design, programming, and maybe computational media. But currently, at this internship, I don’t really enjoy it. Now, that maybe largely due the fact that I haven’t even started on the actual website yet. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am working for a non-profit and that my end outcome will greatly benefit many people.

So there you have it. I think the one thing I have realized is that I want to do social good with my career. But what that career is, I have absolutely no idea. I almost want to cry by how scared I am of the future. I’m scared of falling into a degree that I have to complete because I owe it to my parents/their money. I’m scared of ending up in a 9-5 job that I hate but can’t leave due to overwhelming student loans. I’m scared of dying without having made a change in this world. I’m terrified of regret.

Advertisements

Mind Dump

These past few days have been stressful as hell and I just needed to dump out the contents of my flooded brain. I had tests last Thursday and Friday and then I had one this morning and I have one on Wednesday. I’ve been cooped up in my room or the library for the past week and a half studying, or at least trying to. 

I can’t figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. There are literally so many things I could do. And I realize that no one can, or should, tell me what to do. It’s something I need to discover for myself. At the moment, I would love not to work 9-5 and I want to be able to do several things at once. I like being involved in the community. I love organizing events and seeing them come through successfully. I love to be in charge. This may not be the most selfless thing, but I really love praise. I love to hear people tell me I did a good job when I put my time and effort into something that I care about. So, I guess that means I want to create stuff. But what kind of stuff, I’m not quite sure. 

I recently went to the ceremony for my Girl Scout Gold Award. When I was working on my project, I hated it and I really didn’t want to do it because I had already been accepted to college and so there was no incentive for me. But I’m really glad I did it. And the ceremony helped me to realize what a big deal take action projects are. We are helping our community. We are fixing problems that we face daily and locally. And that’s something I want to continue to do. 

Aside

For a moment, I thought I could do anything and be anything. I thought the opportunities were limitless. And then I realized something. I’m a girl. On top of that, I’m Asian and the color of my skin is more important than my skills to many people. If that wasn’t enough, I’m a Muslim. And I proudly wear my hijab. Who would hire me? In the real world, appearances are very important and to some people, more important than passion for the job and skills. 

For a moment there, I thought I could do anything.

Public Transport

A girl in a neon green jacket sits by herself on a bench, waiting to catch the next train home. It’s late, but not that late. She has her headphones in and they stand out against her black hijab. She is looking down at her phone, tapping random apps. She’s not really doing anything of importance but she doesn’t want to make eye contact with anyone, lest they try to speak to her. The weirdos who use public transport are not worth her time. She could live without the stares she gets everyday. 

A man in a black coat comes to sit one seat down from her. He passes uncomfortably close to her and the girl pulls her body inward, away from him. She can feel him looking at her from her right side, but she continues to tap away at her phone, trying her best to look busy and focused.

“Salam walayka.”

The girl recognizes that the man is trying to greet her with the Islamic greeting, even though he doesn’t pronounce it quite right. But she doesn’t want to talk to him. So she ignores him and continues to tap away at her phone. 30 seconds pass in silence and the girl can feel his eyes on her. 

*cough* “Salam walaikum.”

This time he pronounces it properly. The girl considers replying but decides against it. Then she feels bad for not replying as she is representing her religion in this train station and she wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or give them reason to hate her religion. But she decides that he is a stranger and it would do him nor her any good by replying. But then she thinks she ought at least to inform him of the meaning of what he is saying, as perhaps he is considering to convert but he doesn’t know many Muslims. But then, she realizes that she really doesn’t want to chat or have small talk with a stranger, as that is what he probably–.

“Can you hear me?”

He says it so softly, she almost misses it. She’s taken too long. She didn’t want to talk to him anyway. She continues to tap away at her phone, glancing up every few seconds to check train arrivals.