Cry

I had a good cry last night. I don’t even know why I was crying. Let me tell you what happened yesterday….

I went to work and came back home. As I was eating dinner at the table with my dad (mom and sister were warming up their food), my mother yelled at me for not putting the yogurt on the table. She had not told me to do so, nor had she told me to set the table or anything. She just started yelling at me that I should’ve put it on the table, that she shouldn’t have to tell me what to do and what not to do anymore, that I’m not two years old anymore, that I don’t do “anything” in the house. Completely uncalled for in my opinion. It’s not like she was irritated with me or anything. She just started yelling at me.

Later that evening, I was in my room watching a movie and my younger sister came in (age 13). I was slightly irritated because I wanted to finish my movie but I didn’t say anything and I tried to welcome her. She’s been complaining that I never let her sit in my room and I never talk to her. So, I’m trying to change that. So I put my movie down and listened to her story. Then I asked her if she had prayed Isha (it was 10:45 pm). She replied “Possssssibbllllyyy………….maybe……..” She claims that she said, “Possibllyyyy….not.” But that is most certainly not what I heard. But that is besides the point. I asked her if it was possible for a human to have possibly prayed. You either pray or you don’t. There is no in between. I said all of this in a calm voice, and not accusing at all. She replied that it was if you had amnesia or something. I asked her if she truly, in her heart, believed that this was true, that you could “possibly” pray. She replied that she did. After she argued with me for about 5 minutes, she finally stated that she was joking/being sarcastic when she said that. I told her if that was the case, then why did she argue with me for 5 minutes that it was possible for someone to have “possibly” prayed. She argued with me about that for 5 minutes more, claiming that everyone always picks on her and I should’ve known she was joking. I didn’t. I told that I cannot tell anymore when she is joking/being sarcastic/lying/actually telling the truth. She lies way too often for me to be able to decipher what she is doing. I told her that. She asked me to give her an example of when she lied. I told her how earlier this evening, Ammi said she saw my sister with her math book in her lap, watching TV (she was supposed to be doing math homework). My sister yelled at Ammi that she always throws “accusations” at her that are not true. Ammi yelled back at her if this was not the case, if she was or was not doing what she said. My sister tried to stomp away but Ammi kept yelling at her to answer her question and finally my sister said it was true. When I related this incident to my sister, she started yelling that Ammi always makes generalizations about her, that it was only true about 50% of the time. At that point she was steamrolling over everything I said and the time was 11:05 pm. 15 minutes of arguing with this child. I was so tired. So incredibly tired of her constant arguing, her complaints, her yelling, her lying, her.  I started tearing up and I asked her to leave. She did. And that’s when I started crying. I don’t know if it was from arguing with her, or if it was my sadness for my younger sister, who spends her days watching TV and eating, never believing herself to be wrong, and having to argue at every SINGLE thing possible. Maybe I shouldn’t have picked that argument last night, but I was so fed up with her constant arguing. My vision I currently blurring as I write this.

I don’t even know how to approach her anymore.

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Dhak Dhak

Do you know a cutie? I mean, like someone that you may or may not like, who is just, in general, a cutie? Yeah, that guy. 

I know one of those.  His clothes, glasses, and of course, such a great personality. What’s not to love? I’m not like, into him, but man he is adorable/handsome. And let me set the record straight for those who are quick to judge: No, I’m not looking to “get” him. No, I’m not “thirsty”/desperate. No, I am in no mood to get married. No, I have not even considered boyfriends. 

But every time I see him, it’s like my voice gets caught in my throat. Today I asked him a question and my voice was so squeaky and shaky that I am almost threw up. I had to repeat myself because he couldn’t hear me. He can’t have that much of an effect on me. And then, when I answered one of his questions correctly, in my squeaky voice, mera dil dhak dhak karne laga. Like really fast. And I was like, WTH. WHY? I’m not even into him like that. He’s a nice guy and cute but no. Just, no. 

Maybe it’s teenage angst? But I don’t want a guy. I don’t want any sort of relationship with any guy. At all. At least not for another 2 years. So, just had to let that off my chest. Because I NEVER tell anyone if I think someone is cute, but I just had to get this one off my chest because it’s annoying the effect he has on me. And hopefully, it’s just something that will pass. 

Video

Domestic Violence in India

I love the way Kamla Bhasin explains the issue of domestic violence in India. A lot of the cause of this issue is in the culture of India, the language, the religion. The Hindi word for husband is “pati,” which also happens to mean owner. Coincidence? I think not. There is the Hindu custom of the ‘Karwa Chauth’ which is “a ritual of fasting observed by married Hindu women seeking the longevity, well-being and prosperity of their husbands.” Now, I’m not trying to say that the reason there is domestic violence is because of the culture of India. But I do think that women and men are raised with this notion that women are below men. They are taught that this is the way of the world. And that is partly why men feel it is OK to beat their wives and women believe that they should remain silent.

I apologize for those who do not understand Hindi. But if you do, please watch. And I want to thank Aamir Khan for making this amazing show.

Aside

For a moment, I thought I could do anything and be anything. I thought the opportunities were limitless. And then I realized something. I’m a girl. On top of that, I’m Asian and the color of my skin is more important than my skills to many people. If that wasn’t enough, I’m a Muslim. And I proudly wear my hijab. Who would hire me? In the real world, appearances are very important and to some people, more important than passion for the job and skills. 

For a moment there, I thought I could do anything.